


wishful thinking

by stellawontyou (orphan_account)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drug Use, Heroin, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, dark!calum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-13 23:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1244338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/stellawontyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ashton is new at the school. calum is dangerous. michael and luke warn ashton about calum, but he doesn't listen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have literally no idea where this came from. but this is my first on ao3 be niiiiice :)

 

It's Ashton's first day at the new school.

You'd think that by eighteen, with seven different schools under his belt, that he wouldn't be very nervous about starting again. But even though his mom had the 'You'll be fine' speech memorized, Ashton was still as nervous as he was at the first school.

“Nice to see you decided to make it,” his teacher looks down at his desk, and flips over a piece of paper. “Irwin.”

Ashton tried really hard not to be late on his first day of school, but his mom dropped him off early, and he didn't want to be early either, so he took a trip to the bathroom, but ended up wasting too much time, and then-

He mumbles a sorry and shuffles to the only empty desk, by the windows on the farthest end of the room. The room is lifted by a quiet sound of snickers from a few of the students as he passes them.

Flushed, Ashton turns to face the window when the teacher begins talking again. Out the window he can see a huddled group of students sitting on the front lawn. The bell already rang. Do they want to get caught, out there in the open?

All four of them are clad in dark clothes, but Ashton can't see much else of their features, since they're all sat so close together. The teacher is droning on about physics, but Ashton is curious about the students now, and doesn't bother taking out his notebook. He probably wasn't going to take notes anyway.

After a few minutes, one of the students on the lawn stands up. Ashton lifts his head to try and get a good look at him.

He's tall, probably taller than Ashton, and dark haired. He's wearing a black sweater. Ashton muses the dark sweater looks good on him, but Ashton doesn't get much of a chance to muse much else. When the boy looks up, vaguely in Ashton's direction, Ashton averts his gaze to the teacher for once.

The next time Ashton looks out the window, all the kids are gone.

When the bell rings, Ashton is eager to get out of the class room. Maybe he'll be on time to his next period, and won't have to bother with being uncomfortable all lesson.

“I wouldn't bother,”

The voice behind Ashton startles him. He turns towards the source, and finds a boy there. He looks a little younger than Ashton in the face, but he's much taller. He's already got his backpack over his shoulder, and he's looking down at Ashton with a lifted eyebrow.

“Pardon?” squeaks out Ashton, really speaking for the first time that morning.

The boy jerks his head towards the window. “I saw you watching them. The kids out front.”

“Oh.”

“Don't get caught up in their act, that's all. I just wouldn't bother.”

Ashton furrowed his brow. “I was just watching them.” he says defensively. He pauses, looking out the window to where they had been huddled. “What were they doing?”

“They always shoot up before second period,” says the boy slowly.

Ashton blinks and looks over at him. “What? On the lawn? Have they never been caught?”

“No?” he says carelessly, like yeah, didn't kids at your old school do that?

“Oh,” says Ashton, feeling dumb, though it's not like that was normal or anything. He shrugs. “Okay.”

The boy smiles. “I'm Luke,”

“Ashton.”

-

For Calum, Mondays were always days where your thoughts were inconceivably loud, and you could hear your heartbeat through your shirt, and everyone that talks to you is a fucking enemy and is in some way out to get you.

He used to tell himself it was the heroin, but even on days he didn't shoot up, he still felt like that.

The funny thing about Calum and his group of friends, was that the other kids in school didn't treat them like washed out druggies. Even though that's what they were.

The other kids treated them more like the bad kids. The cool kids. The kind you don't mess with. Even though they come to school a period late and totally jacked.

But, it came to a point, with this year being his senior and all, Calum didn't care. If they thought he was the baddest kid in school, not his problem. If they thought he was a waste of space and time, also not his problem.

Slumped in the back of the classroom, midway through third period, Calum began to think about it again.

He was just sobering up, and he was scratching his name into his desk (Something he always did on the first day. Ever since third grade, his name was on his desk), and he was thinking about it.

He tapped the eraser of his pencil to his desk and stopped scratching. He stared at the rest of the class with the faded dullness that, had anyone looked at him, would have spoken everything.

Would have spoken how lost he really felt, how the drugs had become a habit and an addiction; rather than a coping mechanism.

How he wishes he cared. Like, how Calum wishes he was really on board with school, with graduating. Calum wishes he wasn't lazy and high all the time. Calum wishes he didn't make his sister cry when she had to come pick him up at two in the morning, when he was stuck in some ditch on the side of the road.

Calum wishes a lot of things. He wishes for release.

When this thought came to mind, he knew he had to get out. He raised his hand to ask to use the bathroom, but his hand was shaking, so he lowered it. But he had already caught the teacher's attention.

“Something to add, Mr. Hood?”

Calum parted his lips, just then realizing that they were chapped. “Bathroom?” was the only word he managed out.

If it was anyone  _but_ Calum that had done that, the class would have laughed. Calum probably would have started the laughter. But because it was Calum, no one looked at him.

The teacher sent him with no comments, to which Calum appreciated. Calum took his backpack with him to the bathroom, for it's contents. And nobody questioned that either.

The hallways were empty, and Calum prayed to no one that the bathrooms would be too. He stumbled through the door, and was lucky to find all the stalls open, and the urinals vacant.

Calum dropped his backpack on the bathroom counter and tried to avoid looking at his reflection.

Mali had told him she had packed Advil in his backpack, but as his shaking hands fumbled with the zipper to his front pocket, he was disappointed to find there were only two, safely hidden in a plastic ziplock bag.

The rush was gone when his eyes connected with the two pills. He fluttered his eyelids down and leaned heavily onto the bathroom counter.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Calum had wished his sister had also packed him Prozac as well. But she knew his schedule, and she had watched him take them with breakfast that morning.

He hung his head and tried to focus only on his breathing. Lunch was next, and he knew that entailed Michael asking about his summer. He knew that entailed Michael asking him if he was doing fine.

He would tell him, yeah, it's been okay. He would tell him no, I'm not clean. He would tell him, maybe, maybe I'll stop this semester.

But he won't. And to credit Michael, he wouldn't believe him either.

But he didn't expect what happened between then and lunch- though it should have been pretty predictable.

Someone walked into the bathroom.

-

Second period hadn't been so bad for Ashton. He had Music second period, and that had been the only place that hadn't made Ashton uncomfortable all day.

Third period, he wasn't so lucky. Math always frustrated him, and to his disappointment, this year wasn't going to be any different.

The only friend he had made all day was Luke, and he wasn't sure if Luke even counted as a friend, since all they had done was exchanged words about the school druggies.

He didn't think Luke would let him sit with him at Lunch, and since he wasn't making any friends in Trig, Ashton was less than thrilled for Lunch.

Halfway through Trig, this was what he was thinking about. Maybe it was petty for a eighteen year old boy to still worry about who he was going to sit with at Lunch, but Ashton was Ashton, so he was worried.

Amidst his worrying, the teacher had been teaching, and the only words that sifted through Ashton's head were these;

“So get up and pick a partner. Remember this project is going to be a big deal this entire semester, so choose wisely.”

And suddenly people were standing and picking partners and everyone was talking.

Ashton was an opportunist, and saw this as a silver lining to Trig. In the long run, this was probably a really shitty idea, but Ashton saw it and took it anyways. With everyone talking, the teacher had stepped to the back of the classroom to speak with the first pair and mark them down as partners, so she wasn't anywhere near the door.

And Ashton bolted for it. Fortunately, even the student by the door (who clearly caught his eye as he was sneaking out) didn't say anything.

Once in the hallway, Ashton was taking off in a short jog to the nearest toilet so he could catch his breath.

When he found the door to the bathroom, he pushed it open with one hand, and stepped in.

Him, like Calum, hadn't expected what happened after.

-

The boy who had opened the door was unfamiliar to Calum. Calum barely lifted his head at the sound of the door opening, and looked through the mirror at the boy. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered being told that there was a new kid today.

The kid looks uncomfortable and stared at Calum through the mirror for a good ten seconds before stepping in and letting the door shut behind him.

"Sorry, um," he says, but is then cut short when he notices the plastic bag of advil that Calum's hand is on top of.  

Calum sighs. This is the new kid, clearly, because anyone else would have avoided Calum on contact.

"It's fine." says Calum, his tone clipped.

The boy steps in a few steps, and the closer to Calum he gets, the more concerned his gaze grows. "You okay mate?" says the boy, stepping up to the sink by Calum's.

"Fine," Calum lies, but he'll be damned if he's going to say anything to a stranger.

"Okay," he says, and turns to the sink. The boy turns on the tap and doesn't even bother with soap, just putting his hand under.

Calum takes this moment to admire the lean muscle in the kid, his gaze sliding up the boy's hands, up his arms.

As he does so, his fingers curl around the plastic bag, so he can hide them. Damn, the new kid is hot.

Calum knows the routine for getting a girl to suck his dick, but boys have always been a mystery to him.

"You're new, right?" Calum asks, sliding the Advil back into his backpack.

The boy inclines his head towards Calum before running his still wet hands over his face. "Yeah. I'm Ashton." He rings his hands over the sink and pulls a paper towel out of the dispenser and turns fully towards Calum.

"Calum," he says. "What class do you have now?"

"Trig," says Ashton. "I needed a breather," there's a laugh to his voice. Calum likes that. "You?"

"Spanish Three." Calum says, but he's not really sure because he wasn't paying attention. He's not really caring now either, because he has total view of Ashton's body, and the kid is wearing boots and a shirt with no sleeves, and Calum (again) will be damned if he doesn't get in on those skinny jeans. "Are you busy after school, Ashton?"

Ashton looks surprised. "No." he says slowly.

"Do you want to do something?" Calum asks, zipping his backpack up. He feels a smirk on his lips, because Ashton is hot and new and doesn't know Calum's backstory and Calum is asking him out and damn, Ashton looks so adorable with his pink lips slightly parted in surprise.

Calum swears Ashton stood there for a good minute, and after that, Calum swears Ashton was going to say no.

But then his lips close and he runs a long fingered hand over his tanned biceps and smiles. "Yeah, s'alright."

-

He knows that Calum was the boy from the lawn and he  _knows_ Luke told him not to bother, but Calum looked good in the black sweater up close too, and Ashton was _so. screwed._

On his way to lunch, he figures that Luke definately won't want him to sit with him now that he didn't take his advice, but when he steps into the cafeteria, Luke is the second person who catches his eye.

Second to Calum, who looks at him immediately on entrance, smirking like Ashton is his little secret. But then, when Ashton looks at his shoes for a brief moment, Calum is grabbed by a friend, and Ashton misses his opportunity.

Luke looks at him right after, and smiles at him at first, but follows his line of vision. He frowns, and waves Ashton over.

Ashton was hesitant, but had nowhere else to go, and his mom had packed him an apple and a water bottle, so he didn't have an excuse.

When he sat down across from Luke, Luke faked a smile. "Ashton, yeah?"

"Hi, yeah. Luke."

Luke smiles more easily now. "So I saw you making eyes at Calum Hood."

"Oh, I-"

Luke looks like he's going to interrupt Ashton, but instead, someone else butts in, taking the seat next to Luke.

"It's okay, he's hot, don't mind Luke."

Luke purses his lips at the boy. "Don't be an ass, Michael."

Michael snorts and pops open his Sprite. "Never." He leans over the space between him and Luke and presses his lips against Luke's resistant ones. Luke makes a whining noise, but lifts his hand and it lingers on Michael's collar bone, before pushing him off.

"Come on, not now."

Michael grins and pecks Luke's lips once more, then looks up at Ashton. "Hi, I'm Michael."

"Um, Ashton." He says, a little surprised at their boldness. Had Ashton kissed a boy in front of the cafeteria at his last school, it would have been a big deal. What was it with Sydney? What was it with this school?

"Sorry," says Michael. "I stopped giving a shit what these losers think about us a long time ago, sorry if it bothers you."

"No- no it's fine." says Ashton awkwardly. "How long have you two been dating?"

Luke looks at Michael. "Define dating?"

This causes Michael to laugh, and Ashton doesnt get it. He furrows his brow and tilts his head.

Michael grins and turns to Ashton. "Luke and I hated each other freshman year. Then best friends, then..." He shrugs and takes Luke's hand that's resting on the cafeteria table. "We can't really tell you exactly when. Sometime end of sophomore year."

"Wow, good for you," says Ashton quietly. Calum pops up in his line of thought, but he tries to brush it away.

Luke changes the subject. "Have you talked to Calum yet?"

For nearly a second, Ashton thinks he's asking him, but it's Michael who sighs, and slides his hand back into his lap.

"Not really," he sighs "I tried, but..." He trails off, and looks Ashton. "Have  _you_ talked to Calum?"

"What? Me?"

"You were making eyes at him when we came in..." Michael says, an eyebrow lifted. Jesus, this kid was nosy.

He can feel Luke's gaze on him too.

"Oh." He says, trying to act nonchalant. "We ran into each other in the bathroom. That's all."

Luke and Michael look at each other. "What was he doing?" Asks Michael.

"Dunno. He was just standing at the sink." Ashton lifts an eyebrow at Luke. "I thought you didn't want to bother?"

Luke bit down on his lower lip. "Look, that was friendly advice. But I knew Calum before he got like- Nevermind." he sighs. "You don't know, I guess. Being new."

"Don't know what?" Ashton says defensively.

"Calum's story, that's all," says Michael, leaning back in his chair. "Calum's been through some harsh shit. Before all that, he was our best friend. But after... He changed. Got involved with the wrong crowd."

"Like the crowd that shoots up on the lawn before second period." Luke supplies.

"Mm," Michael agrees, then he looks at Ashton again. "I'm not saying you shouldn't try and reach Calum, I'm just saying we've tried, and he blatantly ignores us."

Luke taps his finger on his own soda can and shakes his head. "No, I'm saying don't bother. I know that look, the one he gave you. His intentions aren't wholesome."

"But you don't even know me," speaks up Ashton. "How do you know my intentions are wholesome?"

Michael laughs once and quirks an eyebrow, looking at Luke. "I like him." Michael says. "Let's keep him."

Luke rolls his eyes, but refocuses on Ashton. "Just... Be careful, alright? Calum is a time bomb. I don't want you to be collateral."

-

After school, Ashton waited by the curb where Calum told him to wait. He tapped his backpack anxiously, and wondered if Calum was going to show up.

He saw Luke and Michael walk out of the school, hands intertwined. Luke was laughing, and Michael caught Ashton's gaze. Michael waved, but there was a sadness to Luke's eyes when he saw Ashton.

Ashton waved to Michael, which gained a smile. The two of them stepped off the curb a few feet away, and Ashton watched them walk into the parking lot, and climb into a rusty gray Volvo.

Michael was in the driver’s seat, but he didn’t start the car right away. Once settled, Michael turns a little towards Luke.

Ashton can’t hear them, but he can see the worry in Michael’s tone. He sees Luke put his hand on Michael’s cheek, and Michael leans into the touch. Luke is reassuring Michael.

Michael nods, and Luke leans in and kisses Michael. Michael kisses back, and it’s much more passionate than earlier that day in the cafeteria. Ashton almost feels ashamed watching them, but doesn’t, because he’s more intrigued than anything.

Luke is bent over the console to get his hands on Michael more comfortably, and Michael puts his hands on Luke’s sides.

Luke pulls away, and says something with a smile on his face. Michael laughs.

Then they stop kissing, and Michael starts the car. They begin to pull away and out of the school parking lot.

“Luke Hemmings and Michael Clifford,” Calum’s voice startles Ashton. “Two times voted cutest couple of the year,”

Ashton looks up at Calum, who’s standing by Ashton on the curb. Calum smiles down at him. “I saw you sitting with them at lunch.”

“Oh,” says Ashton. He stands up hurriedly, and brushes off his jeans. “Yeah. I met Luke in first period, so…”

“He warned you about me didn’t he?” says Calum, who looks out towards where the car had been, his gaze clouding.

“Yeah,” says Ashton slowly. “What’s his deal?”

Calum ignores Ashton’s question. “But you came anyway.” he says. He looks over at Ashton, turning towards him. “Why?”

Ashton is thrown off guard by the question because he doesn’t really have an answer. “I guess,” he shrugs. “I guess I wanted to make my own decision about you.”

This quirks half a smile out of Calum. “Did Luke and Michael tell you anything about my story?”

“They told me you had one,” says Ashton carefully.

“Mm,” says Calum. “Walk with me.”

Ashton gently puts his backpack on his shoulders, and follows Calum, stepping off the curb and into the parking lot.

-

Calum would like more than anything to  _not_ tell Ashton his story, but when push comes to shove, it would be dishonest to keep it from him. Ashton was new and cute and Calum got the innocent vibe off of him, but he had a right to know.

Maybe if Luke and Michael had kept their mouths shut, Calum wouldn’t have to have this conversation. Especially this early on. On the kid’s first day.

“When I started here, freshman year,” he begins, putting his hands in his pockets, and rolling his shoulder to adjust his backpack. “I was still friends with Michael. We met in middle school. He was my best friend.”

Ashton nods once, and keeps his eyes on his feet. Calum keeps walking. His car is always parked farthest away from the school as he can get, because Calum doesn’t go to first period, and he likes the long walks in the dewy morning. When his head is clear, and the morning is new, and he hasn’t gotten high yet.

“That first year was pretty good. Luke and Michael hated each other, and Michael and I were like, nerdy and shit. We made it through alright.”  he sighs slowly. “It wasn’t until sophomore year that things changed. Luke and Michael became friends, and later boyfriends, and I felt… I dunno.”

“Replaced?” supplies Ashton quietly, and that makes Calum’s head turn towards him.

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “I guess.”

“Mm,” Ashton’s eyes are on his feet, silently willing Calum on.

“So, like, they went out one night,” Calum swallows. This is his least favorite part, the one where he confesses what happened. Most people in the school know now. But he hates having to say it out loud, to the new kid. To the innocent boy who will probably hate him after. Like Luke did.

“I went to a party,” Calum says, raising his voice a little. “I got drunk. I mean it wasn’t like, crazy drunk. I was just a little off balance. But someone called the cops on the party,” he says. He shoves his hands in his pockets and watches the pavement. They’re close to his car. “And so I ran.”

He sees Ashton tense beside him, but he doesn’t interrupt.

“I was on the side of the road. I couldn’t see where I was going, but I wasn’t on the highway yet. I guess I wasn’t so drunk that I didn’t know my way home, because my brother found me a few miles away from our house.”

They’re at Calum’s car, so Calum stops to lean his back on the driver’s door. Ashton steps up beside him, but doesn’t lean on the car.

“If I hadn’t gotten drunk-” his voice catches, and tears blur his vision. He looks away from Ashton. “The other car hit Caleb’s side. Caleb died on impact.”

Ashton steps back, and Calum looks up at him. Ashton’s lips are parted in surprise again, but this time Calum doesn’t think it’s cute.

“When I told Luke, he was pissed. He blamed me for Caleb’s death- Like I didn’t already blame myself,” says Calum. He sighs and shrugs, looking away. “Michael was a lot better about it, because he knew Caleb better. He knew Caleb wouldn’t blame me.” Calum shrugs. “But it is my fault, I can’t avoid that.”

Ashton takes another step, this time towards Calum. “It…” he trails off, but doesn’t finish.

Calum thinks he was going to say it wasn’t his fault, but Ashton didn’t look like a stupid, innocent kid.

“Anyways,” says Calum, rubbing the unfallen tears from his eyes with his sleeve. “That’s when I started doing heroin- Luke told you about the heroin, right?”

Ashton nods once.

“Yeah, that’s pretty common knowledge around here,” says Calum. He shrugs. “Me and drugs are like an icon at this school.” he shakes his head. “Anyway. I guess it went downhill from there. First it was just heroin, then it was heroin and sex, then my sister got me into therapy, then the antidepressants…” he trails off, his eyes on Ashton’s combat boots. “I don’t do the whole one night stand thing much anymore,” he says quietly. “After Luke-” he cuts off. He blinks and stares at Ashton, who looks confused.

“Luke?” Ashton asks.

Calum sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Listen, if you don’t want to hang out with me, that’s fine. But the rest of the story is gruesome, and-”

“No,” says Ashton, taking another step towards Calum. “No, I want to hear the rest.”

-

“Then get in the car,” says Calum shortly.

Ashton nods once, and his movements are stiff as he walks around the car to get in the passenger side. Before getting in, he takes a moment to breathe in. He closes his eyes as he exhales. Then he gets in next to Calum.

Calum waits and doesn’t start the car. “Michael knows. So don’t get weird. But Michael knows.” he sighs. “They had a fight sometime last year. Like, a huge blowout fight. Michael was sure they were going to break up, and Luke… Luke was distressed.” he sighs, and Ashton watches him watch the radio in the console like it’s the most interesting radio he’s ever seen. “Luke showed up at a party I was at. We didn’t expect to see each other. I mean, I sure as hell didn’t expect to see _Luke Hemmings_ at a party like that,” Calum looks at Ashton shortly. “It’s not really his scene.”

Ashton nods once. Calum looks away again.

“He got drunk, I was already high.” says Calum. He sighs and ran a hand through his hair. “He told me about the fight, and- And it was an accident.”

“So you slept with him?” Ashton doesn’t mean to inflict judgement into his tone, but he does. He looks into his lap, and he feels Calum’s gaze on him.

“Yeah,” says Calum quietly.

Ashton says nothing, and doesn’t look at Calum.

“That was a year ago.” Calum says. “But that  _wasn't_ my fault. I mean, yeah it was a dick move to Michael, but…” he shrugs. “If I hadn’t slept with Luke, Luke wouldn’t have apologized and told Michael, and apologized more- and I mean, it got them to be more honest with each other. They’re happier now, and I’m okay with that.”

“What about you?” asks Ashton, looking up at Calum, making a connection for the first time.

“What?” Calum sounds surprised. “What about me?”

“Happier, are you happier,” says Ashton, less like a question, because he thinks he knows Calum isn’t happy at all.

But this makes Calum look taken aback. Like no one had asked him that before. Except maybe his therapist, but Ashton also thought Calum didn’t look like someone who cares much for his therapist.

Calum looks out the windshield. “I’m not sure,” he says. “I feel happier when I’m high.”

“That doesn’t count,” says Ashton, his tone turned stern. “Everyone feels happier when they’re high.”

“Then no, not really,” says Calum after a short pause. He looks over at Ashton again. “Meeting you was good.”

Ashton smiles, but it falters.

“I’m sorry,” says Calum. “Did I overwhelm you?”

Ashton laughs once and runs his hand through his hair, and leaves his hand on the back of his head for a moment, before dropping it and shaking his head. “No, I mean- It’s my first fucking day.”

This draws half a laugh out of Calum. “There’s a smoothie place,” says Calum suddenly. “Like a five minute walk from the beach. Would you want-”

“Yeah,” interrupts Ashton. “Yeah, I would.”

-

Michael is sitting on his bed, watching Luke on the floor, plucking on Michael’s guitar. “It’s not that I’m worried for the kid,” says Luke, looking at the guitar, avoiding Michael’s eyes. “I mean, I am. I mean I don’t want either of them hurt.”

“What even hurts Calum these days?” asks Michael folding his knees against his chest. “It’s like nothing phases him.”

“That’s why I think everything hurts him,” says Luke pointedly. He puts down the guitar. “You know, he plays up his bad boy act, so that the real Calum is shoved down. So no one sees that he’s hurt.”

“You think Ashton is going to hurt him?” Michael asks.

Luke lifts himself off Michael’s bedroom floor. “I think that it could hurt him if he opens up to Ashton, and Ashton is pissed. If Ashton blames him.”

“Sound familiar?” says Michael, an edge to his tone.

Luke sighs. “It was Calum’s fault that he got drunk, but I’m not mad anymore, I just want my friend back.”

Michael’s eyes soften and he slides his legs back down. “Come here,” he says, extending a hand to Luke, and scooting forward, so he was perched on the edge of the mattress.

Luke stepped between Michael’s legs, and took Michael’s hand.

“This could be a good thing for Calum,” says Michael. “Ashton doesn’t seem like a bad kid. He could help him.”

Luke nods, and reaches for Michael’s other hand, and rests both of them on Luke’s hips. “I love you, Mikey.”

Michael’s lips twitch into a smile. “C’mere,” he mutters, tilting his chin upwards. “Kiss me.”

Luke obeys, bending down to meet Michael’s lips.

Michael smiles into the kiss, and tugs away. “I love you too.” he mumbles, and Luke reunites the kiss before he can say much else.

-

It was too chilly to actually get in the water, but Ashton and Calum both shed their shoes to walk in the sand. In one hand, Calum had his sneakers, and his smoothie in the other, though he hadn’t gathered himself to sip any of it.

Ashton was quiet the whole ride there, and hadn’t spoken to him on the beach either. Calum wishes he didn’t feel the need to spark a conversation, but his heart tugged as he watched Ashton kick the sand in the air, watching it be blown in the evening air towards his ankles.

“Where are you from?” asks Calum suddenly.

Ashton lifts his head and actually laughs. “I was born in Perth, but we’ve moved so many times, I don’t even know.”

“How many schools is this?” Calum says.

“Eight,” sighs Ashton. “Eighth since middle school. I don’t remember before that.”

“Sucks.”

“Yeah,”

There’s a pause, and Calum watches Ashton’s lips shape around his smoothie straw. “Listen, Ashton,” says Calum, stopping, causing Ashton to stop and look back at him. “It’s been shit,” says Calum blatantly. “My life since I lost my brother, it’s been shit.” he inhales slowly as Ashton takes a few steps towards him. “But you… You give me hope.”

Ashton’s eyes light up. “Hope? What for?”

Calum drops his shoes by his feet. “Forgiveness.” he smiles. “Happiness.”

Ashton follows in pursuit and puts his boots down. “Calum,” he says. “I don’t-”

“I know, it’s your first day and we met in the bathroom,” Calum smiles a little more. “I just… I don’t know.”

Ashton lowers himself, and shoves his smoothie cup into the sand, so his hands are free. He steps once more to Calum’s body. “I’m glad we met,” says Ashton. “And I don’t know. Maybe it’s good it was my first day. I would have heard rumors instead of the real story.” his eyes flicker down. “I want to help you,”

Calum doesn’t bother being gentle, he just drops his smoothie. He reaches forward and touches Ashton’s chin, tilting his gaze up. When Calum’s eyes meet Ashton’s green ones, everything stops for a moment.

It’s Calum that made the movement to touch his lips to Ashton’s. Ashton doesn’t wait, and puts both his hands on Calum’s sides, pulling him closer. Calum’s other hand finds it’s way onto Ashton’s chest, but he pulls away.

“You already have.”

-

Calum died seven months later.

If Ashton could convince himself that it wasn’t his fault, he would. If Ashton could turn back time, when Calum told him he was four weeks clean, he would have been more skeptical. Because that early on, he still could have stopped it.  

Michael and Luke try and tell Ashton that Calum was too lost, too addicted, to stop. But Ashton doesn’t have it.

The police tell Ashton they think it was suicide, because it was heroin overdose.

Ashton’s mom tells him that it’s not his fault, he couldn’t have known that he was still suffering.

Mali even tells Ashton that she knew it was going to happen, even after Calum and Ashton started dating. Mali says that, if it’s any help, the days when Calum was with Ashton were Calum’s happiest.

But it’s not, not really helpful at all.

Because Ashton doesn’t go to the beach anymore. He doesn’t get smoothies. He can’t walk through the parking lot or sit on the curb. He can’t go into the bathroom on the first floor, across from his Trig class. He can’t sit by the window, or even walk out onto the lawn.

He can’t lay in his bed, because it still smells like Calum on the left side. He can’t wear the black sweater, because Calum gave it to Ashton on their six month anniversary.

Ashton looks down at his arm now, a girl in black wiping it with an alcohol swipe.

“You sure?” she asks. She looks sympathetic. She knew Calum too. But, not like Ashton did. Not enough to stop, or stop Ashton from starting.

“Yeah,” says Ashton slowly.

Ashton wishes that he could stop this from being a cycle.

But Calum wished a lot of things that never happened too.

 


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know why i wrote this. i never planned on there being a second part. you may cry. 
> 
> more muke than cashton tbh.

Luke tapped his foot anxiously. Michael should be here by now. 

Luke can see Ashton and his mum in the Deputy's office, through the clear glass windows facing the waiting room where they had left Luke alone.   
The police station'a secretary had brought Luke a lemonade and a plate of crackers, to help soften the blow, but Luke hadn't touched them. 

Luke just watches Ashton, sitting across from the deputy's desk. Ashton's face is in his hands, and his shoulders are shaking. Luke isn't sure if he's crying or te Deputy hasn't told him yet- just beat around the bush to make you worry, until giving you the news that ultimately would have hurt less if he had just told you. Like he had done with Luke. 

"Luke?"  
Luke hadn't even noticed the sound of the door opening, but he heard it shut. A pale-faced Michael stood in the doorway, his jacket still in one hand. "Why are we here?"

Luke struggled to gather all the strength in him that he had. He pushed up on the chairs arm to stand. "It's Calum," he says blankly, avoiding Michaels unobtrusive gaze. 

Michael sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "What's he done? Was he caught-"

"He ODed, Michael. Calum is dead."

Michael froze. Luke finally met his boyfriends eyes. 

Betrayal and hurt were locked in Michaels gaze. 

“They need someone to identify the body,” continues Luke, returning his eyes to the floor immediately. “They said he was beat up pretty bad. I mean they all think it’s Cal, but-”

“I thought he ODed.” Michael is looking at his feet now too. His lip is trembling, but he knows if he cries now, Luke won’t be able to handle it.

Luke shakes his head. “They have Calum’s dealer in custody, they caught him. Calum was behind on payments so they beat the shit out of him. They think he had already overdosed before that. Like he went looking for his dealer to get beat up. To finish the job.”

Michael had sunk down into the chair Luke was in a moment ago. “Why did they need both of us to identify him?”

“They didn’t want to make Ashton do it. And I- I couldn’t do it without you.” Luke looks down at Michael. He parts his lips like he wants to say more, but nothing comes out. 

There is a muffled scream. 

Michael and Luke both look up sharply. 

Through the window of the deputy’s office, Ashton was sitting with his hand over his mouth and tears running down his face. His hand slides away from his face as Michael and   
Luke watch. Luke can pinpoint the moment his heart shattered for Ashton. 

Ashton, who thought he had fixed Calum. 

“Hemmings, right? And Clifford.” 

The voice startles them both. An officer is standing in the doorway. 

“We’re ready for you in the morgue when you are.”

The halls through the police station is eeirly quiet, but Michael’s thoughts are loud. 

Luke slips his hand through Michael’s, and the noise settles out. 

-  
Michael blinks and nears the table. His grip in Luke's hand slackens. 

"Yeah," says Michael quietly. "That's Calum."

The police officer nods and writes something down, but Luke is too busy looking at Michael. 

The police officer thanks and then tells them to say their goodbyes. He leaves the door to the morgue propped open. 

"Michael?" Luke asks, his voice low. "Mikey, I need you to look at me."

Michael's face is totally drained of color. He turns to face Luke. "I just saw my best friends dead body, Luke." he states quietly. "Like," his tone is low and nonchalaunt, but Luke can hear the strain that's on it. "What the fuck?" Michael says, only half to Luke. 

Michael inhales slowly, with his eyes closed, like breathing slowly will somehow change the situation when he opens his eyes. 

Luke doesn't know what to say. He just stares at Michael. 

"We should probably go talk to Ash," says Michael, popping his eyes open. "Thank god they didn't make Ashton do this."

Luke nods. "Yeah," is all he can manage out. 

Michael tightens his grip on Luke's hand again. "Luke?" he says quietly. "Baby are you okay?"

Luke nods again. "Ashton," he says quietly, tilting his head towards the door. 

Michael nods, and they both start walking.

-

After that night in the morgue, it's like Michael shuts down. 

He takes two weeks off of school, and won't even answer Luke's texts or calls. 

Luke tried to go over on multiple occasions, but Michael bolted the door. 

The Monday of the third week, Luke went to school, surprised to see his boyfriend. 

Michael doesn't look happy to be in school. His entire nature demands negative energy. 

He's walking with his messenger bag half hanging on one shoulder, half sliding on the ground. 

His baggy black sweater is stained on the shoulder, and his jeans are ripped in the knees. His hair is sticking in only enough directions to be bed head. There are circles under his blood shot eyes. 

"Michael!" Luke's voice is etched with surprise, but once he takes in Michaels apperence, it falters. "Michael," he says again, this time filled with worry. 

Michael takes his time until he's facing Luke by the lockers. Michael leans his shoulder on the locker and lets it support his entire weight, as if he can't.   
Michael closes his eyes. "I'm sorry I ignored your calls." He says quietly, his voice horribly hoarse, like he hasn't spoken in days. He might not have. 

"Mikey," Luke reaches out and touches face, the backs of his fingers trailing down his stubble. "What's happened to you?"

Michael opens his eyes. They're glassy. "Bullshit," he mumbles. "I've been at school for two minutes and I'm already crying."

Luke fakes a smile, but even that fails. "Do you want to skip?" Luke suggests quietly. 

"Has Ashton been to school?" Michael asks slowly, blinking up at Luke. 

Luke inhales. "Michael, Ashton isn't doing well."

"So no?"

Luke shakes his head. "He was in last Monday."

"And?"

"He got sick and vomitted during Trig. They sent him home and he hasn't been here since." 

Michael pales. "Have you talked to him?"

Luke shakes his head. He feels light headed. Luke leans against his own locker. "I can't, Michael."

A tear runs down Michael's face. Michael looks old. His eyes are heavy. The roots of his hair have grown out and make him look like a skunk. 

"I want to go home," Michael says. The bell rings but neither of them move. "This was a bad idea."

Luke leans off the locker. "I'll drive you."

"Luke..." Michael looks like he wants something. Michaels red eyes search Luke's. "Take me to your house. I need to be with you. I can't be alone anymore."

\- 

Luke takes Michael to his house. His mom doesn't say a word about school when they come in. She took one look at Michael, and you could pinpoint the moment when her heart broke. 

They both climb up the stairs and into Luke's room. 

Luke's parents have a rule about leaving the door of the bedroom open when Michael's over, but nothing is said when Luke pulls the door shut.  
His mom is home, but the house is silent to Luke and Michael. 

Michael is standing in the middle of the room and looking around like he's never been in it before. He stares at his own portrait on Luke's bedside table. He looks like he wants to say something, but he stays silent. His messenger bag slides off his shoulder and plops on the floor. 

Luke sets his own backpack on the floor by the desk, carefully taking his phone and wallet out. 

Michael nears the bedside table. "This was one of my senior pictures, for the yearbook," he says quietly. His finger skims the metal frame. "I hope Ashton and Calum are voted cutest couple this year."

Luke feels a pang in his chest. Luke doesn't have to ask Michael if he's okay like Michael had asked Luke in the morgue. 

It's evident in everything Michael is doing. He's destroyed himself.

Luke isn't sure he understands why. For years now, Calum and Michael were distant. Calum dies, and it's like Michaels world stops. 

But I'm still here, Luke silently begs. You still have me. 

Michael turns around to face Luke. His face is pale again. "Luke, I've relapsed." He blurts out. 

Luke drops his phone. "What?!" 

And suddenly, Michael is sobbing and is crumpled on Luke's bedroom floor, and he's rolling up his sweater sleeves and chanting "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," as Luke kneels by Michael. 

Luke says nothing for a long time, and Michael is holding his breath, but tears are still running down his face. 

"Say something, please," Michael begs, eventually tugging his sleeves down. "Luke, I'm so sorry."

Luke says nothing. 

"Luke!" Michael's voice is a wail. "I'm sorry!"

Luke shakes his head. "No you're not." He says quietly. "You're not sorry you cut yourself. You're sorry you couldn't save Calum."

Luke's voice is colder than he expected it to be, but he's not really surprised. 

Michaels head reels and he jerks away from Luke. "Luke," is all he says. 

Luke shakes his head again. "I love you, but I can't keep doing this."

Michaels eyes burn with new tears. "It's my fault." Michael is practically yelling. "I see him everywhere! I look out onto the lawn and I see his ghost. I look at a box, and I realize that in two days, my best friend will be lowered into the ground. How could I not hurt myself, Luke? How am I supposed to cope?"

Luke stands up. "Come to me for starters." He snaps. "You're my boyfriend, so act like it."

Tears run down Luke's face now too. 

Michael chokes. "I'm sorry," he says again. 

"Calum wasn't even your best friend," Luke snaps harshly. "He hasn't been for over a year, stop lying to yourself."

Michael is still sitting with his legs under him on the floor. He stares up at Luke like he had looked at Luke's room. Like he had never seen him before. 

"Calum loved nobody. He didn't even love Ashton. He stopped feeling anything a long time ago." Luke says, his eyes cast up at the ceiling. He's blinking rapidly to stop the tears forming in his eyes. He can hear Michael choke again. 

"You said-" Michael says, hiccuping out a sob. "You said- the day we met Ash. You said Calum felt everything."

"Bullshit!" Luke yells, startling Michael. Luke stares down at Michael, and tears spill from his eyes. "I was wrong! If he felt a thing he would have known what him killing himself was going to do to the rest of us!"

Michael gingerly stands from the floor. "Luke," he says quietly. He opens his arms. "Baby."

Luke crumbles into Michael's touch, and the blond boy is crying into Michael's shoulder. Michael is clinging on to Luke's shoulders, feeling his ragged breathing under his fingers. 

"I shouldn't have been like that about your relapse," Luke sniffles between sobs. "I wish you hadn't, but I forgive you."

Michael nods. "It's okay Luke, you don't have to. Not now. It's okay."

Luke pulls away so he can look Michael in the eye. "You hurt yourself. Of course it's not okay."

"Nothing is okay right now." Michael closes his eyes. "I don't want to talk about it. I need you to lay down with me, is that okay?"

Luke nods tightly and more tears flow down his face. 

The two of them fall asleep on Luke's bed. Michael's back is pressed against Luke's chest, and Luke has an arm wrapped protectively around Michael, and their hands are intertwined at the base of Michaels stomach. 

Michael dreams about Calum standing over them and laughing about how gay they are, like he used to before Michael and Luke even started dating.   
Luke, before falling asleep after Michael, thinks bitterly about how he had Michael, but Ashton has no one. 

-

The first Monday after hearing the news, Ashton didn't bother getting out of bed. His mum didn't ask questions. 

She brought him lunch, but he would eat it, so that was the last they saw of each other on Monday. 

The next day she woke him up and asked, "Ash, are you up for school today?" 

He barely shook his head. She left two Advil, a bottle of water, and a poptart on his dresser and left. 

Ashton didn't eat, but he did take the medicine. When his mum came back to give him lunch, she was disappointed to see the breakfast uneaten. 

She brought him dinner too. He didn't eat that either. 

This routine went on for two more days. Breakfast. No to school. Advil. Lunch. Dinner. 

On Friday, his mom didn't come in with breakfast or a question about school. She just brought him Advil and left. 

Ashton was pretty sure she was crying, but he didn't pay attention. 

At lunchtime, his mom came in empty handed. She shut the door behind herself and neared Ashton's bed. Ashton felt the bed dip as she sat down, and Ashton was relieved that she was sitting next to Ashton. She didn't touch the other side of the bed. 

She was silent for a while, until she ran her fingers through her son's hair. "Ashton," she said quietly, something in her tone broken. "Calum's mother just called. They've scheduled the funeral for two Wednesdays from now."

Ashton stiffened under his mothers touch. But he stayed silent. 

"They all want you to say a few words, Ash." 

Ashton nodded. "Okay." Was all he managed out. 

The next Monday, when his mom came in with Breakfast, she was surprised to see Ashton already dressed for school. 

But she wasn't surprised to see him home three hours early and burning up with a fever. 

The next day she brought him food and said to him, "You need to eat something, you'll just get more sick." She studied her son on his bed. "And let me wash your sheets, they're filthy."

This caused Ashton to pale more, if possible. He shook his head violently. The sheets hadn't been washed since the last time Calum had been over. Since the last time he layed with Ashton. Since the last time Ashton fell asleep next to Calum. Since the last time they had sex. 

Ashton's stomach lurched. He was going to be sick again. 

He threw himself over the edge of the bed and vomited into the basin his mom had placed for him. His body was shaking when he lifted his head and really spoke for the first time in days. 

"You can't wash the sheets." he stayed firmly. "I'll eat. I'll go to school the Monday after the funeral. But I'm not washing them until they stop smelling like him."

So that's what he did. For a week, he ate. He started gaining back the weight he had already lost over the week prior. 

He rarely left his room, but he didn't just lay in bed. He played guitar. He opened his window. He cried. He thought about calling Luke, Michael or Mali to see how they were doing, but didn't.

-

The day of the funeral, Michael's hands are shaking so poorly, Luke has to place his hand in Michael's lap to steady them. 

Ashton is sitting two rows up, next to Mali with Calum's family. 

Michael stares at the back of his head. "I just wonder," says Michael in a hushed tone. "I mean I know I couldn't save him. But why didn't Ashton? Calum cared more about Ashton than himself. So why do this to him?"

Luke shrugs. "I don't know," he admits. "What they had you don't see a lot." Michael looks at Luke. Luke looks apologetic. "We had time to fall in love. Calum and Ashton just dived in."

Michael hums his response and looks forward again. "I wonder what he'll say," he says. "I don't know if I want to hear it."

Luke smiles weakly. "I don't think any of us do."

-

Ashton's palms were sweating. His cheeks were stained with tears. Calum's mum was crying before he even got to the podium. 

His shaking hands unfolded his speech. He had written it the night before, over a bottle of vodka he'd found in his bathroom. He didn't remember putting it there. He figured it was Calum's. 

He lays his notes out on the podium. He reaches up and shifts the microphone toward his mouth. 

"Hi," he says weakly. "Um, I'm Ashton. I was Calum's boyfriend."

You can hear a stir in the crowd. The acquaintances who didn't know Ashton cast their eyes downward. 

Ashton tries not to look out at the crowd. "We, um, we dated for seven months. And I know, you know, for like, the couples who have been together for twenty years or whatever, that doesn't seem like a lot." He squints up and doesn't look at Calum's parents. "Our little half of a year isn't enough to fall in love, right?" He sighs. 

"But Calum and I weren't like other couples. We didn't wait. Maybe it was foolish of us to dive too deep, to fall so-" his breath catches. He hears a sob. The second he realizes it's Michael, he immediately looks back at his notes. He clears his throat. "Fall so hard." He finishes. "But Calum and I knew each other from the first day we met. I knew Calum better than people who have known him his whole life, on my first day with him.

"Calum... Calum wasn't in a good place. It's not a secret. If you were close to Calum, you knew that. 

"Once, Calum asked me how I dealt with pain." Ashton inhales slowly. "I told him that I talked about it. I turned to people who cared. Calum looked at me and he said, straight to my face, 'theres no one who cares about me.'"

The second sob from Michael is more like a muffled wail. It is the only sound other than Ashton's voice. It's cold against the silent of the church building. It echoes off the walls. Mali fliches as her own tears run down her face. 

It makes Ashton look up sharply. Michael's face is buried in Luke's collarbone, and Luke is holding him close, gently rocking him back and forth. 

Ashton cringes and looks back down at his notes. "So maybe," he says, clearing his throat again. "Maybe I knew this whole time that this was going to happen. Maybe I fell so hard for Calum because I knew he was a time bomb,"

This time it's Calum's mother that lets out an echoing cry. Ashton knows better than to look up. 

"But I don't think that's the case." He says loudly, his voice clearer. "I fell in love with someone very different than his reputation made other people see. I fell in love with someone who loved, and cared, and hurt. I fell in love with someone who made a few mistakes." Ashton looks up again. "But haven't we all? We all slip up. We all end up calling someone to pick them up from the side of the road. I was privileged to be that person Calum Hood called." 

Ashton looks down at Mali. "For seven months, anyway."

Mali cracks a smile, but more tears are falling from her face. 

"I fell in love with someone who thought his hurt was too much. I fell in love with someone who thought no one cared," Ashton's voice finally breaks. "Calum was... Calum is the most beautiful, extraordinary person I know, I will ever know."

He takes a shaky breath. Mali is sobbing now too. Ashton can hear all three of them- Michael, Calum's mum, and Mali- but he stares at the ceiling. 

"I am in love with Calum. I am. Present tense." He sighs and looks down at Calum's family. "Thank you." 

He's not sure if he's thanking the Hood family. He's not sure if he's thanking the crowd for listening. Maybe he's thanking Calum. 

He turns away from the podium and faces the casket.

He takes a step towards it. He stands over Calum's body. His hands are shaking again. 

He leans down and presses a kiss to the forehead of his boyfriend. 

"Goodbye, Calum,"  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY


End file.
